


No Mister I'm Not Ok

by reality_is_unreal



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Does Virgil/Roman count as that? Idk, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Episode: ACCEPTING ANXIETY Part 1/2: Excepting Anxiety!, Hurt/Comfort, I'm new to tagging if you can't tell, M/M, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, angsty virgil, sad boi virgil, the comfort isn't in this chapter though, vent - Freeform, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27659648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reality_is_unreal/pseuds/reality_is_unreal
Summary: Virgil is struggling with not feeling accepted by the light sides, and turns to some dark habits.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 22
Kudos: 70





	1. Virgil Gets a Bad Habit

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, this is super angsty so sorry in advance. It's also a vent fic, so please stay safe. 
> 
> TW for  
> Self-harm (fairly hardcore, but no description of blood)  
> Slightly unsympathetic Roman  
> Self-hatred  
> Mention of spiders (It's one sentence)  
> Food
> 
> I think that's it but please lmk if I forgot to tag something

Virgil hadn’t been doing so well ever since he left the dark sides. Sure the light sides were friendly and tried to be accepting, but he felt separate from them. Different. He tried to keep it under control for Thomas, but one day it got to be too much. 

He had been in his room for days, moping around and staying away from the others. They didn’t bother to check up on him, Anxiety did this sometimes. And that was fine with him, he didn’t really like the others all that much, except for Patton, who would bring him meals sometimes. 

But this particular day, he was really down in the dumps, thinking about Janus and Remus and how he had just left them one day without saying goodbye. He’s such an awful person. He couldn’t even say goodbye to the people that he grew up with. 

Virgil left his room, hoping everyone else was already asleep. It was just after midnight, and he couldn’t hear anyone stirring. Tiptoeing down the hallway and into the mind palace bathroom, he quietly closed and locked the door. He opened the medicine cabinet, looking for the pack of razors they all used. Surely no one would notice if one went missing. He took out a razor and dislodged the blade. 

Virgil paused. Do I really want to do this? That was his own logical part of his brain speaking. He ignored that thought and pressed the cold metal to his ankle. He knew that marks on his arms would make the others suspicious if they ever happened to catch him out of his sweatshirt. Drawing the blade across his skin he made a small, thin cut. It barely broke the skin but it alleviated some of his tension. 

The cutting let him release his emotions and cope. He knew it was a poor coping mechanism, but at this point he didn’t care. Besides, does it even count if it didn’t draw blood? Virgil made two more cuts, then stopped. That was enough, he didn’t want to raise any suspicions. He put the razor blade back into the cabinet and tucked it behind some pill bottles. 

He walked back to his room, staying as silent as possible, though he was pretty sure everyone was asleep. He stayed awake for a few hours after that, thinking. Why did I do that?? God I’m so stupid. Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid. Virgil curled up into a little ball and started crying softly. Hiding under the blanket, he thought about the light sides. 

Patton was his favorite, he was sort of a father figure to Virgil, taking care of him whether he liked it or not. Logan… Logan was ok, he didn’t tend to show many emotions, but he still seemed to care about Virgil a bit. Don’t even get him started on Roman. Maybe deep down he cared for Virgil, but he sure didn’t show it. Roman didn’t seem to miss Virgil, and instead spent his time talking to the other sides and, well, being creativity.

Virgil didn’t blame him. If he were Roman, he wouldn’t talk to himself either. So instead of talking to the light sides, Virgil kept himself secluded in his room, with the spiders and the occasional Patton with breakfast for company. He liked it better that way. At least, that’s what he told himself. 

Virgil stayed up for a few more hours, thinking. He knew he would be tired tomorrow, but he doubted anyone would notice. Janus would’ve noticed… He went to sleep right as the witching hour began, knowing he would regret it in the morning. But he didn’t really care anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alr sorry that was so short, more to come soon!


	2. Keeping Up Appearances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil pretends to be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to update this sooner but life got kinda crazy!
> 
> Tw for:  
> Self-harm  
> Food

Virgil woke up to the sun’s rays streaming through his window. He was exhausted from staying up so late last night. Last night! He sat up with a gasp, remembering what happened last night. What he did. Pulling up his pant leg, he looked down at his ankle and grimaced. Something would have to be done, the cuts were fairly deep. Maybe he could just take some bandaids from the bathroom and call it a day.

He got out of bed and went straight to the bathroom, looking for band aids. He was met with a surprised Logan. 

“What are you doing?” Logan asked. Virgil answered truthfully.

“Getting some band aids.”

“Let me see, I may be able to provide sufficient care for your injury.”

“No it’s ok Logan, it’s just a small cut,” Virgil deflected. A few not-so-small cuts, actually. Logan wasn’t so easily dissuaded. 

“Let me see it, Virgil. It won’t be good if it gets infected.”

Virgil knew he wasn’t going to drop it so easily. Reluctantly, he rolled up his pant leg and showed Logan the cuts. Logan quickly cleaned them up. 

“How did you get those, Virge?”

Virgil scrambled to think of a lie. “Oh I… tripped on something and it cut me.” Logan didn’t look entirely satisfied with this, as it wasn’t entirely logical, but he dropped it. 

“Patton is making breakfast, do you want some? I know you like waffles.”

Virgil wanted to turn him down; the idea of eating with everyone was already making him anxious. But, he knew that would raise suspicions, so he followed Logan to the kitchen. When he walked in, all eyes were on him. Or at least, it sure felt like that to him. In reality, there was a small lull in the conversation but it quickly picked back up again.

“Hey kiddo! Want some waffles?” Patton asked, with a big smile on his face. Virgil nodded and Patton served him a waffle with whipped cream in a smiley face, in true Patton fashion. He quickly ate the waffle, wanting to minimize the time he had to be around the others and pretend to be ok. 

After eating, he put his plate in the dishwasher and went back to his room. He knew he couldn’t keep appearances up for much longer, so the more he stayed away, the better. Patton seemed to have noticed his subdued nature, but Virgil doubted he would be able to guess what Virgil was doing. Just because he was the emotionally intelligent side didn’t mean that he could tell Virgil was cutting. He probably thought Virgil was just having a bad day. 

Virgil didn’t blame him, for not knowing what was going on. In fact, he was glad. He’d rather deal with his shitty coping mechanisms by himself. He didn’t think Patton could handle his “kiddo” hurting himself anyway. Logan, Logan would just strap him up in a mental hospital, the logical, though perhaps slightly rash, thing to do. Janus would know what to do. Virgil had speculated for a while that Janus self-harmed, and while it was never confirmed, he was almost positive the speculation was true. But he was a light side now, and Janus wouldn’t even want to talk to him.

Virgil wondered if Roman would do anything. He would probably just get the others, he didn’t care about Virgil enough to help him himself. Did he?

At that point, he realized he had been spiraling for a good hour. It was already 10 am, and Virgil didn’t want to stay in his room for too long. Keeping up appearances. He put on his eyeshadow and went out into the hallway. 

“Hi kiddo!” Patton said, passing him to go do something, presumably with Logan. “You up for a family movie night tonight?” Virgil wasn’t really, but again, he had to keep up appearances. 

“Sure Patt.”

“Hey kiddo, are you feeling alright? You’re not sick, are you? I can make you some soup!” Patton said cheerfully. He seemed concerned. Maybe Virgil wasn’t hiding it well enough. Shit. 

“Yeah Patt I’m fine,” He said, managing a sort of smile-grimace. Patton, a little distracted, bought it. 

“Ok then! I’m off to help Logan with something!” Patton walked away, leaving Virgil alone in the hallway. Just how he liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaahhhh I know it's short, I didn't know when to end it so I just did. I'm already working on the next chapter!


	3. Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An announcement about the fic

Heyyyyyy y'all. Sorry I haven't posted the third chapter, I'm still writing it... 

Life's been busy and this fic is my coping mechanism, but for the first time in a while, I'm happy. It's great, but it's not so great that it unmotivated me from finishing this. Anyways, I'm hoping to get the next chapter up by next week. Hopefully.


	4. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman finds out about Virgil's habit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for  
> Self harm  
> Blood
> 
> (Also it's actually chapter 3 but I changed it to "chapter 4" so it would match what ao3 says because the last chapter was just an update)

Chapter 4: Confrontation

_ Help with what…? _ Virgil wondered. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t concern me. He went to the kitchen to get a snack, hoping it would somehow make him feel better. He hopped onto the counter and grabbed a roll of crackers. While he sat and ate them, he thought about what to do that day. He really just wanted to stay in his room and mope, but that wouldn’t go over well. 

As he ate his last cracker, he decided to ask Patton to play video games later. Maybe it would cheer him up. In the meantime, he thought of what to do with his day. Maybe he would go see what Logan and Patton were up to. He didn’t want to bother them though… But maybe he could help with whatever it was. He decided to go find them.

~~~

Virgil walked into a room he hadn’t been in before. Instantly, 3 pairs of eyes were on him. Patton, Logan, and Roman stopped talking immediately as he stepped into the room.  _ They had been talking without him. _ He would’ve expected as much from Roman, but Patton… Hurt, he ran out of the room and back to his own room. He curled up into a ball and sobbed.  _ Of course they didn’t include you. You don’t help Thomas at all. You should have just stayed with the dark sides. Failure.  _ “Stopstopstopstopstop,” he whispered to himself. 

Slowly uncurling from the ball, he went into the bathroom and got the razor blade he had tucked behind the pill bottles in the medicine cabinet. He brought it back to his room, not wanting anyone to walk in on him. Shaking, he dragged it across his leg. It made a small cut, barely bleeding. He did it again. This time it bled more. 

“...Virgil?” Virgil started. He looked up to see Roman in the doorway. “Virgil, hey, Virgil, what are you…” Roman let out a gasp. “Oh Virgil…” Virgil dropped the razor blade and scrambled to cover up the cuts on his leg, but it was too late. Roman had seen everything. Roman walked over cautiously to where Virgil was sitting on his bed. He picked up the razor blade from the floor where it landed and walked across the room to put it on Virgil’s dresser. 

“Hey Virge… want to talk about it?” 

“What is there to talk about Princey?” Virgil snapped. “So you walked in on me cutting myself. Whatever, it’s not like you care.” Roman paused, taken aback. “Virgil, of course I care. You’re hurting yourself and I care about you. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know…” Virgil said, unsure. “I didn’t think you cared about me…” 

“Virgil… what made you think that?”

“I dunno, maybe because we disagree on everything? And you always insult me..”

“Virgil I didn’t realize I was hurting you, I’m… I’m sorry.” 

Virgil looked up from the bed and met Roman’s eyes. They were shining with the hint of tears. Maybe he really did care… 

“Come on, let's get you cleaned up. Maybe Patton and Logan can help-” Roman started to say, then was interrupted by Virgil.

“No! Please don’t tell them… They already have enough on their plates without worrying about me.”

“Virgil, we have to tell them at some point, they’d want to help.”

Virgil looked at Roman, his eyes glassy from fear and sadness. “Alright Virge, I won’t tell the other light sides. For now.”

With that settled, Roman cleaned and bandaged Virgil’s leg. Virgil noticed that he saw the three other still-fresh cuts. He ignored them though and didn’t ask Virgil about them. When he finished, Virgil and Roman emerged from Virgil’s room. Patton and Logan outside, and as soon as Patton saw Virgil he started apologizing. 

“Patton, it’s ok, I get it. You didn’t want me ruining your fun. I know, I’m not even a real light side.” 

  
  


Patton frowned. “No kiddo, that’s not it at all. We were just all wondering if you were alright. You’ve been a bit withdrawn lately.”

“Oh. I’m fine, thanks Dad.” He acknowledged Logan standing to the side as well. “I’m going to get some rest, you guys have a fun movie night.” And with that, Virgil went back into his room and closed the door. He could hear the hushed whispers of the light sides right outside the door, but they got quieter and quieter, until finally going away. Virgil sank onto his bed, not sure what to do now. He got lost in his thoughts for a bit, until hearing a knock on the door. 

“Virgil? Are you sure you don’t want to join us son?” It was Patton, of course.

Virgil sighed. It’s not like he had anything better to do, and Roman took his razor blade when he left. “Ok Pat, I’m coming.” Maybe he’d actually enjoy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter coming soon I hope.. Thanks for reading!


End file.
